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Friday, April 26, 2013

Transition an evil little word

I know every parent wishes their children would remain young. I never understood that before I had children. They truly become your whole world and existence. You would do anything to make the world perfect for your child. I prepared for this transition from preschool. Am I ready no? Do I wish I could keep Hayden with his teacher, therapist, and para that love him? YES!! Reality is transition is happening. In four short months Hayden will be in kindergarten. My first born, my sweet baby boy, my son who has a disability will become a big kid. This mom has many emotions. I know I will be okay and more importantly Hayden will be okay. It does not mean this road we are traveling on for five years has been easy. At times it has been hard, but rewarding in the same breath.

Today was no different than any other day. I woke up knowing I prepared well for this transition meeting. Observations at his new school were completed a few months ago. My letter was prepared addressing what would assist Hayden in being successful. I was pleased to see the therapist and teachers agreed with many of my requests. What I was not prepared for was the conversation of a wheelchair. As a mom of a child with mobility difficulties you wish you could give him your legs and balance. You wish you could make things easier but I cannot. What I can do is be the best mom and advocate for my child.

Just like the day I heard Hayden has delays at nine months or the day the words posterior walker entered my vocabulary I sat. Tears filled my eyes. I have not had time to digest those words. I have not had time to process is this our new reality? Instead those words were uttered to me from an educator who has been through a multitude of IEPs. Someone who has been educated about accommodations, IEPs, 504 plans, and district policy. Her statement was not meant to be hurtful. However, it did just that it hurt. It hurt all over again about bumps we have in our journey.

I like to think I am a good mom, a proactive mom and advocate. I have spent many restless nights researching. I have been through disability training. I met amazing people in my disability training who get it and who understand the road I travel. Why is this topic not easier for me? Why did this hurt? Why am I sad? Why am I angry that our education system still needs an overhaul? Why can't I shake this sick feeling in my stomach. I want to yell it is not fair. I want to say I have been tested now please no more tests. I want to wake up and know Hayden understands I love him. I want him to know I will never give up hope. I want him to know I am doing my very best.

Now as I digest my day I am going to take some time to be objective. I am going to take some time to remind myself we have many accomplishments. I am going to take time to cry. I am going to kiss and hug my baby boy and tell him I am proud of him. I am going to tell him he can be a policeman when he grows up. He can play baseball and he can run. He can chose to participate in crossfit or become a swim super star. Most of all I believe in my little man and I believe I will make the right choice. This choice seems hard now and a shock. Tonight I feel frustrated but I know tomorrow will bring me joy. Tomorrow I wake up to my life a life I would never trade. I have a husband that loves me, friends who support me, family who know matter what will be there and two beautiful fighters. Hayden mommy loves you to the moon and back!